Memo to Bell . . .

Dear Bell Satellite Service:

I'm not sorry I left you. We've had our problems, and I'm not going to go into detail right here, right now. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed.

My current problem, being the fact that you owe me about $150, is only serving to reinforce my pleasure in my decision to stop sending you money every month.

Three weeks ago, I phoned you to ask where my money was, after you sent me a new bill, asking for money for next month's service, when I terminated service with you a month prior. Your accounting system needs work.

You said you were pleased to help me with this problem, and that my cheque would arrive in two weeks. If it didn't, you told me, call back.

So I marked the day on the calendar. December 22.

And when the cheque did not arrive, I waited another week, to give you a little grace time over the holiday season. Merry Christmas.

As I type this, I am on the phone with one of your service reps. So far, I've been told that, yes, you owe me money and, "Definitely I will help you today."

Let me just say, that the only way you can help me today, my dear friend, is if you get on a plane with that cheque and deliver it personally. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'm only going to get another promise that it's coming.

But that, dear Bell, is not why I'm writing today. I'm writing today with a helpful tip (as I wait on the line for "three to five minutes" while your rep looks something up).

When I called this morning, I had to wait on the line for about 20 minutes. That's irritating. But what's even more irritating is your decision to interrupt the wait every 25 seconds (yes, I timed it) with the following message:
"We appreciated your patience. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered as soon as an agent is available."

You don't appreciated my patience, or you would not test it every 25 seconds with that annoying message. Annoying as, waiting 20 minutes, I had to hear it about 40 times.

Thus, it is not helpful. It's annoying as all hell. So stop it. Or cut your wait times down so that I may only have to hear it once or twice.

That's my suggestion. You're welcome.

Now, I'm still waiting for my friend, your representative with the thick accent, to reassure me that my money is on the way. Which, of course, does not help me today in any way shape or form. And, it's been longer than three to five minutes already.

So he's back on the phone . . . (pause while I pace and speak to this representative) . . . and now I'm really pissed off.

The good news, I guess, is that "Sabastian" is really sorry that the last customer service representative lied to me.

"I'm really sorry this situation," he tells me. "It's, like, no fair for the customer."

But the bottom line, Sabastian tells me, is that in three to five business days, I will receive a "final bill." One month after that, I will get my cheque. Considering my service with Bell ended November 1, this just sucks. But, according to Sabastian, there is nothing he can do about it.

Well, he could add $20 to the $150 they already owe me, for interest and inconvenience, but he can't just send the cheque. That's impossible.

Bell can beam a signal into space, bounce it off a satellite, send it back to earth . . . but sending me a cheque prior to my receiving my "final bill," . . . that's impossible.

Bell, I'm not impressed. Your customer service sucks. I only wish I was still a customer so that I could stop sending you money today and, when you call to complain, tell you that it's my policy not to pay bills until at least one year after I receive them. That's the way my system works. I'm very sorry, and I understand your frustration, but there's nothing I can do about it. And, when you don't get your money in a year, I'll apologize that I lied to you and promise to send it in another year.

What's more, I'll hire someone with a thick accent to tell you that "I'm really sorry this situation," and promise to file a complaint with management. I know that will make you feel better.

Good bye Bell. Never again.

Frustrating Day

Well, yesterday was a frustrating day. Had big plans for cleaning out the garage, building shelves, organizing . . .

And whilst I was doing that, the nice man from Bell Satellite TV would install the stuff necessary for my evening entertainment. Hell's Kitchen was on last night, and I was kinda looking forward to, if not seeing it, at least recording it for later viewing pleasure.

Now I've been a patient guy. My original date for the completion of the promised "smooth transfer" of my Bell services, was last Wednesday. But, as you know, my receivers and television were on a truck somewhere between here and Churchhill at that time. As such, I was told the friendly and helpful Bell installer would not come to the house, and I would have to wait one week.

Fair enough.

So yesterday, with my television and receiver firmly in place, I awaited the installer, who arrived a little later than expected. Fair enough. We're all busy.

A few things here you might not know about the "smooth transfer" of your satellite service with Bell. First off, the installer is apparently not allowed to set foot on your roof. Too dangerous. So if your dish is not near the edge or your roof, you may be expected to help out a little, if you want satellite service.

Second, your installer is allowed to drill one hole for free. Then he will charge you for any additional holes that need to be drilled to facilitate installation of the necessary cables in your home. Interesting.

Oh, and if you have any illusions about the cables being hidden in the walls, exiting at appropriate places with nice, neat face plates, forget about it. I was told that if you want that kind of thing, you need to hire an electrician prior to the arrival of your Bell installer whose job, apparently is to then screw the cable into the dish.

Anyhoo, back to yesterday. Behind the new house, two of my neighbours to the south have very tall poplar trees. These things are apparently directly in the path that leads from my satellite dish to the Bell satellite in space. As such, I can not get sufficient signal strength for a proper installation. (And that's without any leaves on the tree. Leaves, the installer told me, make things even worse!)

My installer friend discovered this by hooking up a small computer to the dish to gauge signal strength. He didn't need my TV or receiver to do it. My installer friend also told me that, maybe, if the dish was on the peak of the roof at the other end of the house, we might get a stronger, adequate signal. He was skeptical, as the trees in that sight line were even taller than the current ones. But, as he's not allowed to set foot on the roof, he couldn't really check it out.

He then suggested I talk to my new neighbour about, perhaps, lopping 20 or so feet off the top of a couple of his 80-foot poplars. Um, yeah.

Or maybe I could install a pole somewhere that would be tall enough to put the satellite dish in a position to see over those trees. Bell doesn't do that, nor does it manufacture or supply said pole, I was told. I'd have to do it, dig a trench for the cable and then set up another appointment for the installer to come back and hook it all up.

So . . . the installer left. I'm stuck with a useless Bell HDPVR, and another useless Bell HD receiver, both purchased in the last year and a half. I'm not happy about it.

So I call Bell customer service. No, they won't buy the receivers back. But hey, Bell, in its infinite graciousness, has waived the 30-day penalty for cancelling my service. Wow! The helpful customer service rep informed me that she would cancel the service, effective yesterday and I would receive a refund for the remainder of the month.

Um . . . wait a minute. I haven't had service since Nov. 1, when I moved out of the home in Thompson. What exactly am I paying for? Sorry, I was told, but I'd still have to cough up the dough for those 10 days.

I will admit, I became somewhat indignant. But I explained that, as I have not had access to the service for those 10 days, and as I had an appointment for installation a week ago, and as Bell was unable to supply service now, there was not a snowball's chance in hell I would be paying for those 10 days. After a little discussion, the customer service rep agreed.

She then told me that she and a supervisor had looked over the report from the friendly installer that came to my home, and they'd determined he might have done some things incorrectly. And maybe, just maybe, a more senior installer could still make this work.

She asked me what would be a convenient time for the senior installer to come out and have a look.

"Today," I replied.

Well, she said, the first available time is a week from today, next Wednesday.

So, we finished up our conversation, and I started looking at options. MTS TV, Shaw cable, Shaw satellite.

And, to make this long story just a tad shorter, I found Shaw satellite (whose satellite in space is in a more convenient, treeless direction) has a better deal anyway. So the Shaw guys are coming out tomorrow to install my new service. And once that's up and running, I will contact Bell, tell them to give the senior installer a rest and then put my receivers up for sale.

All of this, by the way, took up the better part of my day. Thus, my big plans for today include cleaning out the garage, building shelves, organizing and pausing at 11 a.m. to Remember . . .

Have a great Remembrance Day.

(Oh, and if you know anyone who's looking for a Bell HDPVR, let me know)