Memo to Bell . . .

Dear Bell Satellite Service:

I'm not sorry I left you. We've had our problems, and I'm not going to go into detail right here, right now. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed.

My current problem, being the fact that you owe me about $150, is only serving to reinforce my pleasure in my decision to stop sending you money every month.

Three weeks ago, I phoned you to ask where my money was, after you sent me a new bill, asking for money for next month's service, when I terminated service with you a month prior. Your accounting system needs work.

You said you were pleased to help me with this problem, and that my cheque would arrive in two weeks. If it didn't, you told me, call back.

So I marked the day on the calendar. December 22.

And when the cheque did not arrive, I waited another week, to give you a little grace time over the holiday season. Merry Christmas.

As I type this, I am on the phone with one of your service reps. So far, I've been told that, yes, you owe me money and, "Definitely I will help you today."

Let me just say, that the only way you can help me today, my dear friend, is if you get on a plane with that cheque and deliver it personally. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'm only going to get another promise that it's coming.

But that, dear Bell, is not why I'm writing today. I'm writing today with a helpful tip (as I wait on the line for "three to five minutes" while your rep looks something up).

When I called this morning, I had to wait on the line for about 20 minutes. That's irritating. But what's even more irritating is your decision to interrupt the wait every 25 seconds (yes, I timed it) with the following message:
"We appreciated your patience. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered as soon as an agent is available."

You don't appreciated my patience, or you would not test it every 25 seconds with that annoying message. Annoying as, waiting 20 minutes, I had to hear it about 40 times.

Thus, it is not helpful. It's annoying as all hell. So stop it. Or cut your wait times down so that I may only have to hear it once or twice.

That's my suggestion. You're welcome.

Now, I'm still waiting for my friend, your representative with the thick accent, to reassure me that my money is on the way. Which, of course, does not help me today in any way shape or form. And, it's been longer than three to five minutes already.

So he's back on the phone . . . (pause while I pace and speak to this representative) . . . and now I'm really pissed off.

The good news, I guess, is that "Sabastian" is really sorry that the last customer service representative lied to me.

"I'm really sorry this situation," he tells me. "It's, like, no fair for the customer."

But the bottom line, Sabastian tells me, is that in three to five business days, I will receive a "final bill." One month after that, I will get my cheque. Considering my service with Bell ended November 1, this just sucks. But, according to Sabastian, there is nothing he can do about it.

Well, he could add $20 to the $150 they already owe me, for interest and inconvenience, but he can't just send the cheque. That's impossible.

Bell can beam a signal into space, bounce it off a satellite, send it back to earth . . . but sending me a cheque prior to my receiving my "final bill," . . . that's impossible.

Bell, I'm not impressed. Your customer service sucks. I only wish I was still a customer so that I could stop sending you money today and, when you call to complain, tell you that it's my policy not to pay bills until at least one year after I receive them. That's the way my system works. I'm very sorry, and I understand your frustration, but there's nothing I can do about it. And, when you don't get your money in a year, I'll apologize that I lied to you and promise to send it in another year.

What's more, I'll hire someone with a thick accent to tell you that "I'm really sorry this situation," and promise to file a complaint with management. I know that will make you feel better.

Good bye Bell. Never again.